Apathetic

Yup. This has been my whole week: Apathetic.

Work has been so very quiet. I think I hit a new low in productivity this week. Managed to get the basics done, but have been generally uninspired.

(Instead, I've been reading tons of Baltimore and general blogs.)

There have been some bright spots, notably some yarn happiness- I've picked up a few fun hours at the local yarn shop to increase my yarn tab in time for Christmas (I work and teach knitting, paid in yarn, on occasion). Also, I got a call from an old friend, the Engineer, who is back in town for the weekend. We're to meet up tomorrow night for a few drinks.

In general, though, I've been living in a sick malaise. Ick.

Don't know why I'm chosing this. Been sort of hanging out, watching myself sit in sadness, thinking backwards to the Ex instead of just enjoying the moment. Or, sometimes, thinking forward to the Greek, which triggers a backwards glance to the Ex. Cycle of misery. Bleh. And yet, I know I am doing this to myself, I know that I am choosing to sit here. Weird. It's like I want to suffer or something. God I am a weird chick!!!

Well, I will keep watching myself do this. Maybe I'll eventually figure out what's in it for me.

In the meantime, I am grateful to my wise friends. The Artist, the Best Friend, and the Biker have all been fantastic bright spots this week. They all rather gently point out that I don't have to make any decisions right now (when I talk about the Ex, or that maybe its best to just knock off things with the Greek). The Artist and the Biker have both suggested that maybe this is a different time in my feelings towards the Ex, and they are right. I think this is the first time since I realized that he was actively using drugs that I've finally gotten past the horrors of the addiction. I am now remembering the three years prior to his fall- and this is the hard part. Leaving behind the horror is easy-peasy; leaving behind the wonderful relationship is a lot harder.

The Biker is eight years clean and sober now- he has been a big help. Last night he invited me out with his friends for a nighttime sail on a houseboat. We had dinner sailing around the Inner Harbor, Fells Point, Canton.

Like many things in life, the city looks entirely different when viewed from a different space. Out on the water, Baltimore sparkled peacefully. We docked in Fells Point, listened to the music from the bars on Thames, watched the variety of people come and go. I remembered again why I knew I could live here.

Afterwards, we hopped onto his Harley and he took me for a drive. We went south into Essex, Middle River, Sparrows Point, then up Route 40, into the Inner Harbor, and back into Fells Point. It was a beautiful night, perfect for a ride on the motorcycle. It was lovely to just hop on and go whereever he decided to drive- yet another way to see the City. The Biker has been great- he is like a big brother to me.

Last night helped me see that I have not been living in the present time, but instead really have been putting my thoughts in the past or future. Nothing is so bad right now. It is so much easier to just BE!!!

Well, time to end this rambling blog and head out for the evening. I'm not up for much, but it's probably best to get out and about for a bit. Off for now.

Half-Assed Is as Half-Assed Does

Well, this wasn't so bad after all.

First, I managed to tell the Greek that I am keeping things at a slower pace because I'm still shaky over my last relationship.

Personally, were the situation reversed, I would interpret that kind of admission as a HUGE RED FLAG and gotten on out of there. The Greek gave a little bemused smile and said that usually, he was in my position, and that it was- he paused- "interesting to be on this side."

Maybe I should interpret the fact that he didn't decide to run as a HUGE RED FLAG and get out now! I don't know.

So, I think I established that I would not maintain a separate wardrobe at his house at this time, although the offer is sweet. I will spend my time mostly here, in my own little apartment, even though his house is much more comfortable. All in good time.

However, I did NOT tell him that I was leaving to go talk with the Ex.

All in all, I didn't do exactly what I'd planned, but I did reiterate that I needed to set my own pace, and he was content with that.

Next up: a chat with the Ex.

Except that once I got into my car and started driving, I saw that I had a voice mail. It was the Ex, telling me that he couldn't meet up. His friend from Delaware is in town, and they are hanging out. He offered up Sunday as his next day off.

I know I am strange, but to me, this was great. My goal here is to be friends, to maintain some sort of contact, but not anything painful or strained. I think this is possible if he is okay with hanging with his guys over me, and if I am okay with that. If we each can be easy and relaxed, then I have hope. Cool.

So. Here I'd expected a rough evening. I had a half-assed "plan", and it got half-assed results (with one goal accomplished and two left undone). But, I think the basic foundation is set for me to continue on with the Greek AND to begin to get some peace and balance with the Ex. Overall- a decent night.

Crazy

Well, after days of feeling sad and tearful, I've decided to take a
step back and re-assess what is going on in this goofy head and heart of mine.

First, clearly, I am stuck in a rut regarding the Ex. I've given
myself loads of time now to get through it- at this point, I think I'm
just stuck in it.

Not too surprisingly, I also feel a lot of inner resistance towards
the Greek, despite really NOT wanting any resistance between us.
Everything feels stagnant and uncomfortable- I've not said much to the
Greek regarding my sadness over the Ex, as I don't want to drag the Ex
into my relationship with the Greek. However, this is just denying
reality. There is massive interference because I'm not clear with the
Ex.

So. I called the Ex. I left a message stating that, while I would
understand if he didn't want to talk with me, I really wanted to talk
with him. I noted that all throughout the whole disasterous coming
apart of our relationship, I had always been available to him, and
that I would appreciate it if he could return the favor.

He called back an hour or so later. He sounded great- it was very easy
to talk with him. He agreed to meet up with me later tonight, as today
is his only day off for the near future. So we're to meet late
tonight, around 10 or so.

I don't even exactly know why I set this meeting up. Truly, I don't
want to get back with him- I know that it won't work. I do miss him,
though. I want to see him, to see where he is, how he's doing. I want
to see if we can maintain some sort of communication- he is still very
important to me, and I don't want him to be just ripped completely out
of my life. I hope that if we are both open, honest, and respectful,
that we can work something out.

I don't know if this will work, but I figure it's worth a try. If it
doesn't work, it doesn't work. At least I'll know that I gave it a
shot.

In the meantime, I'm to meet with the Greek for dinner. It's time for
all this drama to come out into the open. This might be sabotogue.
But, I just want to get clear on where I am and what is going on, and
that's not going to happen if I just shut up and manage a tight smile
and substitue "my day was just great, thanks for asking!" kind
of bs in lieu of real communication.

Overall, I want to move into a relationship with someone like the
Greek. It will be lovely if it actually turns out to be him, but it is
way too early to tell, especially since I keep getting stuck on the
Ex.

I know that this is not an Either/Or situation, but these two parts of
life keep interfering. I must get some balance regarding the Ex- if
not, it is going to cause problems in any relationships I try. I also
want to get clear and more open with the Greek, because 1. I want to
see how he reacts to this and 2. if he decides that he can live with
me working this out in this manner, I want him to understand what is
going on so that he doesn't falsely attribute my weirdness and inner
struggles to something reflecting him.

Well, I'm off to see if I can put anything together out of all this stuff.
This should be interesting...

Morning

Thank god for mornings- even Monday mornings. New start to a quiet week (with nearly everyone out on vacation, including the NP).

I am feeling much better and clearer. Have been too hard on self- nothing is seriously wrong, and I think feeling very sad on occasion is pretty normal. It seems to me that I've spent a long time away from the Ex and that this "should be" sufficient to get over it. But in reality, it hasn't been that long, and it was by far my most significant relationship to date, and there was a lot of drama/trauma around it.

So, chosing to be realistic rather than idealistic, a few tears here and there are fine. It's okay. Especially after a long weekend and the Greek hanging out with my family- that is a somewhat intimate thing, to meet one's family (even when its clear that we are only dating and not a serious couple).

I suspect that some things will continue to trigger some emotions for a good time to come. Just go through it and move on, eh?

Well, at least there should be time for blogging and reading blogs, and getting lots of little things done during this quiet week. In the meantime, I should get back to work...

Weekend

Retreat, quiet at home in my little Hobbit Hole apartment.

Spent a wonderful weekend with the Greek.

Had a lovely dinner and movie in on Friday.

Saturday, the brave guy drove with me to Delaware for a big family gathering on my Mum's side. She's got four sisters, and one of them- who I'll refer to as Aunt B- just moved to Delaware from Minnesota. In addition, Aunt B's son (cousin B) just returned from a year in Rome, Italy. So Aunt and Uncle B threw a big shin-dig, a housewarming party for their new lovely home and a Welcome Home party for Cousin B.

My mum was there, as well as her second sister, Aunt C, plus Aunt C's kids, and the Aunt/Uncle/Cousin B family, and loads of their friends and Uncle B's family. It was a huge gathering.

The Greek was fantastic. He charmed my mum and aunts and cousins. My Aunt B, in particular, thought he was all that- and he is, really. He's at ease with new people and crowds, and sort of worked the crowd over. He went off on his own and met everyone- by the end of the party he knew many more people there than I did!

It was great, because it freed me to hang with my family and not worry about him. And I had some chatting to do.

Aunt C's family is in some turmoil. The second son, who is in his mid 20s, has been with his woman for several years now. They have one 3 year old son, with a second child on the way. He dropped out of college to take care of the son- he has full custody. The problem is that the Girlfriend is an addict, and her choice of drugs is heroin.

His older sister is my age. She wanted me to talk with him, because "maybe he'll listen to someone whose been there." She is feverantly hoping that the bun in the oven is the work of another baker. "It will kill him, but maybe it will wake him up!"

I did talk with him, although I absolutely didn't suggest that he leave his woman! I just gave him a hug and my phone number, and suggested that he hit up a few Naranon meetings. We swapped some war stories, but its clear that he is still in the thick of the game. She is on a pregnancy/methadone program, and is therefore "clean". He is okay because, for the moment, she is "okay."

I got a lot out of talking with him.

First, it became evident that the children from my Mom and her next oldest sister, Aunt B, have mostly been attracted to people with addiction problems. This includes me, obviously, and the cousin described above. But it also includes my sister, whose first love was a cocaine addict (although he didn't own up to it, and didn't seek treatment during the time that she knew him), and even the older sister who wanted me to talk with her brother- her husband has addiction all throughout his family.

Our parents aren't addicts or alcoholics- so what is going on here?

I recalled my other Aunt, who told me in Lewes recently that her childhood- the same family here- was tremendously affected by alcholism, even though it wasn't in her nuclear family. My mum blew it off when I asked her about it, saying that to the Aunt it might have seemed traumatic because she was so much younger. But I wonder whether, rather than the addiction getting passed down, if the Caretaking behaviors were modeled and thus "passed down" to me, my sis, and my two cousins. My other cousins all live across the country, so I don't know if they, too, have fallen for addicts. I never put all this together before, but I'll look to see if it's the case.

If we are Caretakers, then we need people to Take Care Of, and addicts sure fit that bill. If it's a family "heritage", I want to be sure to get rid of it NOW.

The second big realization occurred from watching my cousin and his girlfriend interact, and from my conversation with him. I saw how much he loved her. To those on the outside, to whom it is perfectly obvious that the only sane thing to do is to leave the addict, it probably seems unfathomably stupid that anyone would stay. My cousin was wary of me at first, I assume because he thought I'd tell him that he had to leave. But leaving isn't always the answer, and I would never suggest it off the bat. I know from Naranon that some people DO make it- and that relationships can be saved and strengthened and improved. His girlfriend is doing better, and is coming back to herself, and my cousin is hopeful and delighted and in love, but still wary.

I hope she makes it, and that they make it- and I also know that I am going to wonder for a long, long time if I made the right decision with the Man.

Eventually, it was time to go. The Greek and I went back to his place in Ellicott City. It was late, but I had lots of energy and so we walked through the woods on the Trolley Trails into downtown. We hiked around downtown, had a drink at one of the bars, and hiked back, talking the whole time.

This morning, we met the Artist at the Cantonsville Double T diner. We then went to the Italian Festival in Little Italy, then hiked over into Fells Point.

The Greek and the Artist hit it off, as I suspected they would. The Artist has a great set of criteria she uses to evaluate potential partners- does he pay attention? Is he listening? Is it all about him? Does he try to get near to you, or does he keep his distance? Is he generous? and so on. She let me know that he passed with flying colors.

So. The Greek is great. The first thing everyone comments on is his looks- "He is very attractive!!" I saw a picture of him from his first year at NASA in his white lab coat and my heart melted- he was adorable!! He is a grown man now, so "adorable" doesn't quite fit, but he is definately a good looking, strapping 6'3 man. He is also very, very smart- he's a rocket scientist, for gods sake (although he politely states that, well, actually, he's an engineer and not a scientist. Basically, same thing. He determines how to make satellites and space shuttles work, and analyzes data from deep space. Enough said.)He is emotionally secure and financially stable.
He is polite and generous and a real sweetheart. He has a house worth nearly half a million dollars and owns a second one out in WV, yet he drives a 16-year old Honda Accord because he loves it. I think that is so great!!!! I have a wonderful time with him, we have these crazy similarities.

And yet, I still have this abiding love for the Man. Actually, I am going to refer to the Man as the Ex from here on out- the reality is that he is an Ex and it would serve me better to think of him as such. I need the help. I came home tonight, and all I wanted was to set the clock back a year or two and to come home to the Ex, to hear his voice, to see his smile, to get wrapped up in his arms. I even called him, but he wasn't home, and thankfully he hasn't called back. I don't even know what I'd say to him. I just sat down and, for the hundred millionth fucking time since January, cried my eyes out.

Why? Why am I doing this? Am I trying to sabatoge my life? Am I trying to keep the sadness? Why does this still hurt so much? Why, after I thought I'd detached, is all this emotion still here?

Am I trying to cover up guilt for trying to move on so soon? Or is the Greek too good, too healthy? Or do I just have a sick need to create stupid fucking drama where none really exists? (so much for being nice to oneself!)

It is very late. Maybe I'll figure something out soon. This is a long, rambling post that is in serious need of editing. Its an apt reflection of my mind right now. Need sleep!!!

It's not that I don't want to blog- it's just that I hate everything I've written. I have several drafts, but all of them suck. Blogger's block?

I will be off-line for most of the weekend, so I better get something posted!

Most of this week has been spent hanging out with either the NP (work) or the Best Friend (play) or the Greek (yum!).

I convened with one of my Wise Women this week to assess the Greek/the Man situation. I questioned whether it was good to spend so much time with one guy (the Greek) while I was still pretty actively mourning the broken relationship with the other (the Man).

The Wise Woman suggested that it was far more healthy to not sit and dwell on the Man- to mourn it as it came up, but to go on living and enjoying time with the Greek. She said that she'd be more worried if I didn't have lingering sadness over the relationship with the Man, as it hasn't been all that long for a rather serious relationship.

I love my Wise Women- I have three of them. The one I talked with acts as my Counselor, the second one was my Spiritual Teacher back when I was a teenager/young adult, and the third one is my Mum. None of them know each other, (well, my Spiritual Teacher met my mom once, but it was brief and a long time ago) but they each rock.

In the meantime, I have really enjoyed my time with the Greek. He has given me the key to his house, but I've only let myself in once, yesterday, when he called to say that he was running behind and to go on in. Work is quiet. The NP is off to Mexico for the next seven days, so next week will be even quieter.

Overall, life is moving along smoothly, quietly. It's a calming change of late, but makes for dull, dull blogging!

Quick Blog From Work

...just cuz its been a few days.

One. Continuing to do some mourning re: the Man. It's okay, though. I am surprised at the resilience of my love for him. He is still very much in my heart- I keep finding him there, usually blocking an area that my thoughts on the Greek are trying to enter. I haven't talked with the Man in what seems like many weeks (I think it's only been two, though)- not since I told him that he had to let go, which was when I realized that I hadn't fully let go.

This has been a very odd experience- feeling sad, yet being okay (for the most part) with it all. I feel almost as if I am watching myself go through the experience. I wish so much- sometimes with all my heart, even now- that the Man had acted differently, that he had admitted to himself that he had a problem and sought help. But I can't escape from the reality that, truly, he is an addict, and without some long term, true sobriety, there is a high likelihood of relapse and endless cycles of misery. I don't want to put myself through that, and I definately don't want to build a family on such an unsteady foundation.

I do think that the Man will win over the addiction. From all reports, he is doing well and seems committed to tackling the situation head on. I still very much believe in him, and I envy whichever woman gets the real him, the clean, solid, healthy Man. But the future is unknown- I believe that he will conquer, but I don't know it. And I won't put myself in such an unsafe position without some long-term evidence of continued sobriety. Even then, I don't know. He was eight years sober before he relapsed, so even long-term sobriety probably wouldn't help me feel relatively secure in a relationship with him. In the end, it is my choice to set this relationship down and move on.

So when I find my thoughts centering on the Man, when he stands there in my mind's eye at the entrance of my heart, I mentally just focus on my love for him and thank him, and try to imagine tucking him away deep in my heart, to open up some space for someone new. Then, of course, I send some love my way, because I am the one I'm trying to make feel better, ultimately.

Thankfully, there is a lot in my life helping me to feel better. The obvious one is the Greek. There are also my friends, who are just amazing. And work, of course- I get paid to read, write, debate, think, learn, figure out, help others, laugh a lot, have a hand in abetting miracles with the NP...things I feel privileged to do.

The funny thing is, at this point, I am carrying the Man with me. He is not in my life, and hasn't been a significant player since March, when I moved out. There has been loads going on in the "real world", which maybe I'll get to later. But all this stuff written out in the blog? This is all head stuff. Only in the head and heart. Not outside in the "real world."

It is my hope that by going through the emotion, I can finally let this go. I'd like to stop "watching" myself go through this sad period, and jump fully into the living part. Living- its a good thing, eh?

Okay, so this has been not so brief. Must wrap up the job for today. Shouldn't go so long without blogging!

Too busy living to blog. Be back soon!

FRIDAY!!!

Yeah, so I still will be at work tomorrow morning bright and early at 8:30 am (a voluntary, brief working breakfast with the NP which WILL work because: I AM A MORNING PERSON!!!!! Repeat until true.)

Who cares. Doesn't matter- today is FRIDAY, and its here with the attendant anticipation of immenient release! The workweek is ending, thank god!!!

With the exception of my blogger outing on Tuesday night, it's been a long, weary, tiresome five days. Today has been a much better day.

I've chosen to attribute the rise in mood to it being Friday, but it could be for any number of reasons. For one, I'm just tired of being down and depressed. I'm tired of my schizophrenic thoughts towards the Man (HURRAH/OH CRAP!). I am a pretty
light-hearted chick, and I don't do long periods of sadness very well- at least not anymore. For a day, it's nice to just let go of feeling crappy and enjoy life again.

As usual, when one is feeling better, there is lots to enjoy. I'm at my Towson job today, loving my huge, bright office with a wall of windows- it is a vast improvement over my cramped, airless office at Hopkins. If everyone else moves West, its nice to know that job remains as an option. It lacks the opportunities for advancement and name recognition, but it does have its pluses.

Also, finally, I am feeling well and very much looking forward to spending some time with the Greek tonight. Don't know what we'll end up doing, but it doesn't really matter. Dinner, movie, hanging out and talking on the deck, overlooking the woods, whatever. Its all good.

One of these days, I'll get a handle on determining mood. Wiser people than me say that mood is a choice, that we control it rather than vice versa. It sure hasn't felt that way lately!!!!

Hmmm. I don't want to think this much heading into the weekend. Think I'll slip out of here early and start ahead of time. WAHOOO!!!!!

Time to get outta here. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something of substance to blog about. Hopefully something GOOD!!!

Home!

Ah, home. I went to the new neighborhood grocery store (Giant on 33rd) and got a big cooked chicken and a box of Russell Stover chocolates for a quiet and early solo evening.

My crankiness is slowly ebbing, thankfully. I called off the date with the Greek. He is gold, really wonderful. I just told him the truth, as noted earlier. I am exhausted and just wanted to go home. And overly cranky due to exhaustion. He was fine with it- we will hang out tomorrow evening instead.

In the meantime, I'm watching the Simpsons, blogging, drinking tea, and soon to be happily crashed out.

That man really is something, with his easy acceptance and his Brendan Fraiser voice. (He resembles Brendan Fraiser physically, too, which is very, very pleasant!) I hope I can move past the Man soon entirely. The Greek noted that we met one month ago yesterday. Is he too good?

The only thing is that it is only a matter of time before he comes across the blog. He is too smart and curious not to figure it out. He'll google it or something. Should I just tell him? The Man is never on-line, and only my sis and one other person who is close to me knows that this blog exists, so this hasn't been an issue before.

Nah. If he finds it, he finds it.

Time to hop off and crawl into bed with a good book. I am so boring, but I love it so much!

Somebody Needs a Nap

For the past 32 years: I am NOT a morning person.

Starting last week: I AM a morning person.

I am going to repeat that phrase endlessly until I am, indeed, a
morning person. Morning person, defined as waking up at 6 am. I have
always been a morning person if its defined by when you go to
bed, rather than when you get out of bed.

Given that I have been trying to wake up bright and early to get to
morning rounds here (which, blessedly, start at 8- the next batch I'll
have to make start at 7), maybe it shouldn't be surprising that I feel
like a wildly emotional basketcase. Hmm? The whole "changing one's
circadian rhythm" thing is no fun at all.

I am one cranky person, more resembling the "3" or "2" individually,
rather than a being who's been around for 32 years.

As always happen when I'm in a foul mood, everything around me looks
stupid and miserable and/or promotes general feelings of ill fortune.
We just sent off a draft of a paper that I don't even want my name on,
it is so poor. It probably isn't but it sure seems that way now. I'm
trying to do a peer review on a paper that I could just as happily
shred. Stupid topic, poorly written, bad charts. Blah! Its a rainy
day. I am tired. And on and on and on. UGH!!!!

I am afraid to see the Greek tonight because I am just so icky- so sad
and grouchy and miserable! What to do- if I beg off the date due to
general crankiness, I look like an emotional basketcase. If I go on
with the date, he will clearly see that I am an emotional basketcase.
If I beg off the date due to a made up excuse, then I am a big fat
liar, which is even worse than the basketcase (at least the
basketcaseness will pass, I am sure of it!)

Also, last night the Biker told me that he saw the Man. The Man is
doing much, much better. He was out "chasing girls," and in my mind I
can see the Man stating this with that mischevious grin of his,

While I am very glad to hear that he is doing better, it is also true
that I'm a bit envious of whichever girl gets chased by him. That is
kinda f!cked up. I want him to move on, and I want ME to move on!
Right? RIGHT??? I am unhappily thinking about how lucky that chick
will be who gets his attention. Why am I doing this??? Consider it a
contributor to the emotional tumult currently underway.

The "stupid" paper I'm reviewing is on "pathological emotion"- this is
uncontrollable crying and/or laughing without reason. Very fitting.

This too shall pass, yes? Yes. I am sure of it. Onward.

Back on the Love Side of Baltimore

For all there is to hate about this city, Baltimore also has its own considerable charms to love. Last night I showed off some of those charms to fellow blogger Dave Copeland. For anyone interested in checking out the places he described, so we started off at the Wharf Rat in Fells Point, then ventured over to the Sound Garden, a great record store (also in Fells Point), then to the Mount Royal Tavern, aka the Dirt Church. We finally ended up in the "dungeon" (e.g. downstairs) at the Brewer's Art.

I chose these bars because, well, I like them and they each have something of interest (the Wharf Rats' pub food and own-brewed beer; the charming decor and ecclectic crowd of the Dirt Church; and the Brewers' Art scores in decor, crowd, and own-brewed beer- especially, the Resurrection, which they serve in a goblet remininscent of the Catholic communion goblet from my youth). But we could just have easily have gone to the 'vous, or Fletchers or The Cat's Eye...and so on. I have been in Baltimore for six (!!!!) years now, and have yet to become bored by it. And these are only drinking establishments- there's loads of non-alcoholic activities here as well, if one is so inclined.

It was also good to meet another blogger- I'm glad that Dave decided to risk ending up in a bathtub with his kidneys missing (as he wryly put it) and go around with some strange woman who writes a personal non-political wee blog. He is the first person I've met due to blogs, and its got me thinking of possibly joining the next crablogs get-together. It was lovely to meet Dave, and it was good to recognize that, even though I still don't consider Baltimore "my city", it has indeed become home.

Meanwhile...I am slow enough from drinking a mere three beers last night , so I should knock off blogging and get back to work!

Crush

...or should I start off with Crushed?

The good news: the NP talked with our big boss today. In the course of her conversation, the Big Guy said that I was an asset to the group and that he wanted me to stick with the group and develop with them as I got my PhD. This man is a Rock Star in our field, known around the world as a foremost expert, so that was very cool to hear.

The bad news: the conversation occurred because the NP has decided to follow the Boss, if he decides to move to the Mid-West to accept the chair position. This is crushing in two ways: first, because she originally stated that she wouldn't go, so that we would find something else to do but still could work together; second, because her agreeing to go makes it more likely that he actually will go. With her vote, a majority of the faculty has now agreed to make the move.

I highly suspect that I am going to have to do some very serious thinking about this in October. (The Boss isn't expected to make a final decision until the end of September.) Right now I am leaning heavily towards staying here and finding something else to do, like a PhD program. I still have my consulting job. I really do not want to move further away from my family. But we will see. I have a dream job- actually, it is way more than a job to me. I would do this if I didn't have to get paid, easily and hands down. I have the best partner I could hope for in the NP. We have the opportunity to do a lot of good in the world, and to a lot of good for ourselves. We live in the 21st century, and sometimes moving is just a part of life. The target city is actually one of my favorite cities in the States- that aspect would be great. It is just so far away, and I've moved often enough in my life already. Just the thought of another big move sinks my heart.

Ah well. What will be, will be. The NP was happy and excited this morning after her talk, as she'd secured a place for both of us if he moves. I really was crushed. It had been my understanding that if the boss left, we would find something else to do. Now, if the boss leaves, she leaves, and I am back out on my own. Argh!!!!!

Well, I am giving myself today to worry a bit about it, but then that is it until the boss decides. I have too little energy to donate towards purposeless worry regaring a move.

Ha. Instead, I will funnel my energy into dealing with the emotional drama of letting go of my past relationship. My heart is just aching right now. This is intense, but I have regained a small sense of detachment, as if I were outside myself watching me just feel all this sorrow. I know that this is all okay, but it definately hurts.

I feel like I am saying goodbye to a few parts of myself, to some of my cherished moments in the past few years. My love of waking up next to the Man, tousseling his blonde hair and giving him a kiss as I left for work and he slept on. His unerring knack of making the cheesiest statements, ever. The notes he left me every morning. His affectionate manner, the way his green eyes lit up and the huge smile he wore just about every time he saw me for the first time in a day. How much I loved just being next to him, how we just fit together so well.

To this day, it astounds me just how fast everything changed. It was our third Christmas together, but it was my first Christmas with someone where it felt like home- we had our lovely home, a real Christmas tree. He gave me his gorgeous ring on Christmas Eve. Yet on New Years Eve, the trapdoor opened and he began his rapid descent into his addiction.

What a fucking ride, eh?

The thing is, I really thought I'd cleared out all this emotion and sadness the first time around. I guess I'm finally getting down to the bottom of it- at least, I hope this is the case!!! I am willing to take a look at all this stuff, to recognize what was good and absolutely fucking beautiful, and to hurt a whole lot, if I can use it to focus on what I want to invite into my life next, and to clear out the old to make way for the new. I don't want to carry old flames or old resentments or old sadnesses any more. I'm happy to deal with them here and now, and to move on.

There is a lot to look forward to in moving on. The Greek is wonderful. I don't know whether my relationship with him will develop into the Next Big Thing, or the Big One, or even much of Anything. But he is an amazing person (and I'm not just saying that because of our weird similiarities!). I have a very intense connection with him, and I am very much looking foward to getting to know him better. He is the Crush part of the post- because there is always a flip side to every situation.

That's enough for tonight. I haven't even written about my short-term roommate, the Biker, or the adventures of my Best Friend, or any of the other events going on around here!

In the end, it all comes down to this: Life is crazy, thank god!!!!

My Turn

Just a quick note. Its been quite a weekend. After watching the Man go through his heartbreak earlier this week, my detached state shattered yesterday. Its been a sad weekend, but strange. I don't yearn to be with the Man again, because deep inside I know that is not going to happen. Its more of a mourning of sorts. I had a really wonderful relationship with him, and there are parts of it that I miss. I don't know that I'll ever again have the closeness and silliness and ease that we shared. I, too, have to fully let go.

Its rough when you think you've gotten it all out and moved past something...but haven't quite yet. More to come, apparently.

I think that after age 15 or so, Time slows down only when trying to heal a heartbreak or break an addiction. Otherwise, its an avalanche thundering down the mountain, continously picking up speed until it all comes to an abrupt end.

Cheering thought, eh?

(Sometimes I think I've gone beyond time. There is no way I could capture all that has gone on between now and my last post, which I don't think was much more than 72 hours ago. I have very limited spacial ability- I get lost in direction, time, depth.

I do some cognitive testing at work, and the first thing you check is for orientation: what is today's date? What season is it? What year is it?

Thankfully, every patient wears a "Hello My Name Is" tag that doesn't have a name, but instead today's date. If the person didn't wear the date on his/her chest, I would never be able to score that section correctly.)

Anyway, a lot has gone on. The Man came over two nights ago. We had another discussion, and I think that at last the reality is hitting him. We are over. We are not going to get back together (or if so, a long time from now, when we are different people with very different lives). He needs to let go.

Its a strange thing, because even though I am clear on it, and I've pretty successfully detached, I still do love the Man. I have no ill feelings towards him- how could I? Of all the men in my life, he has given me the most, I have learned the most from him. I am a thousand times better for having been with him.

I Spy Gemini links to Ben regarding heartbreak. It was painful for me to watch the Man suffer his heart breaking right before my eyes- but obviously it was much, much worse for the Man. He blames himself, he can't forgive himself, he says that he always saw us together in his future, and now he can't see any future. One of the things I love about him is that he always says what he feels- he can't help himself, really- no matter what. He let it all out.

Even though it was painful, I am glad he came over. I am glad for me, because talking and sitting with someone through their pain is hard but enlightening. Glad for him, because I think it helps to know that he is loved, even if not in the way that he desires. I felt like I was able to help him, and I was able to verify what I've learned about healing the heartache.

Healing, for me, was exactly like the poem on Gemini's page. The biggest thing I've learned is to outright love the self. I don't expect perfection from myself, and I certainly don't purport to be anything other than human, but I forgive whatever goofs I make and continue on with great love. I "speak" to myself kindly, I put myself first (or at least I make sure that I actually have the resources I need before committing anything of myself), I totally take care of myself. I am finally coming to understand the old cliche- you already have everything you need inside of you. Its the most remarkable feeling, and I wonder why it is that I've never considered this before. There is much more to learn, but the motivation factor is high because it just feels so much better this way!

Sitting and talking with the Man- he is deep in the pit right now. Time is moving at a glacial pace for him- he is dealing with heartbreak and addiction, and deep depression. He believes that he has ruined his entire life. Much of his existence right now is Pain.

It was odd to sit there and listen, and just be. I do love him, and I spoke to him out of love. He is not a monster, has hasn't ruined his life, I didn't leave because he is awful or not worthy- I left because I chose sanity while he was basically insane. He is doing all the right things, just walking through it all. I still believe in him- I know that if he chooses it, he will get better, but it will take some time.

The thing about truly awful situations is that everything gets laid bare. When you in the midst of your greatest grief, there is no hiding your pain, your sadness, the things you hate most or the things of which you're ashamed. When you are overcome by pain, you lack the inner resources to inhibit or tuck away. You just Are. And in that state, you have the opportunity to really see and get at the things that cause your pain and hold you back.

The Man right now is a veritable checklist of pain and sadness. A few months ago, I was in a similar place to where he is now. Everything got laid out. I cried more between January and April than I have in my entire 32 years combined. Strangely, the pain and chaos held gifts. I was finally able to see and feel so much- it was my choice to continue through it- and thus finally get through it.

This is my hope for the Man. I hope he takes the opportunity now, and just deals with the things that hurt him, that he blames on himself. I know that I am a different person now, having gone through it. I feel much lighter, and much more content, and actually pretty blissful most of the time. I wish the same for him.

This is just one of the several events that have occurred over the last few days. Tonight, it's back to the Land of Dial-Up to see my gram. She is supposed to be discharged to a nursing home for rehab next week. Will hang with the Greek tomorrow night, will work with the NP on Sunday, then off to start another week.

There is so much to write about. Life is beautiful!!!

Worn

This has all the makings of a deadly dull post.

I could go to sleep right here, in my Hopkins office full of papers
and folders everywhere. The NP and I even went for a regular latte at
3- this would normally provide plenty of energy and zest until, say, 1
am or so. Not today.

Even as I type, the NP is in a meeting to find out whether or not
most of our colleagues are moving to the Great Midwest. This could
seriously screw with our plans. I am pleased that the NP doesn't want
to move (since I don't want to move, at least not to where everyone
else would be going). However, she is once again seriously considering
going into private practive, because the guy at the center of the move
is THE guy here, her mentor, and our ability to do what we do would
suffer a huge loss if he goes. God knows this research/academic stuff
is hard enough as it is, even with her mentor and the vast shield of
protection he provides. I'd be reduced to pure banality and boredom,
and the NP would spend all her time in endless clinics, if not for her
mentor.

If the NP leaves research, I am back to square one and might as
well head off to med school. As it is, I am preparing my apps for grad
school. It is not too late to change the mind, I suppose.

Ah well. What will be, will be. I have no control over it, anyway,
so might as well just roll with it.

In other news....there is little other news. The NP and I were
going to drive to Philly today to assess my gram, as the NP is a
specialist in geriatric psychiatry (NP= neuropsychiatrist). But
happily, my gram has shown steady improvement over the past few days.
The NP spoke with my mom, who is a geriatric nurse, and they both
agreed that the prognosis is good, and we will wait on making a visit.
I'll go up on Friday.

There is little to report on the dating scene. I've hidden my Match
profile, and have thus enjoyed some quiet time. The Greek is in CA
this week (but he was kind enough to lend me the key to his house!)
Also, I was weak and resumed emailing with the Secret Service guy.
Maybe one of these days I'll get to see him face to face. In the
meantime, email is fine, and I don't plan on getting too wrapped up in
anything.

Are you yawning yet? I've damn well put myself to sleep here. Back
to work, I suppose. YAWN.....