Truth Telling

This is a very quick blog today- I am soooo far behind in everything!!! Must get to yarn shop, post office, and Philly to see my grandmother (still in ICU).

I do, though, want to put down something that hit me yesterday. In the past, my mom has told me before that there is a lot of alcoholism and depression in her family, but she never went into detail. It was something that I heard but never gave much consideration to.

At Lewes, my aunt brought a whole lot into the light. She talked of growing up and having every holiday be a complete disaster: of having her mom try to shelter her and her sisters out of rooms and homes as dishes and fists flew; of an uncle who died very young of cirrohsis, and of his brother who got so loaded one New Years' Eve that he fell into his sliding glass door and died from cutting his throat, of blood gushing everywhere; of "functional" alcoholics who were fun and successful during the day, until 4 o'clock cocktail hour on the weekdays and seemingly endless weekends; of chaos and the hell that alcoholism and addiction creates.

I had no idea of any of this. Having just emerged from a short foray into the disaster that addiction creates, it is a great shock to consider that my mom, the beacon of stability and sanity, grew up in similar conditions and never said a word about it!!!

This information has given me completely new perspective on my past, and has dramatically altered my thoughts on my family dynamics. I am re-thinking a lot on my mom, why it is that she has some of her odd behaviors that I thought were just totally fucked up (like her tendency to NOT tell bad news, like someone is in the hospital, until the event has ended), and her difficult relationship with my sister, whom she loves so much yet has such a hard time talking with, and her reactions to me when the Man started his steep decline into addiction. It even gives me a new perspective on her marriage to my dad.

In my own archetypal mindset, I can even see how I have continued the "family tradition" of falling into relationships with addicts and people who drink a lot, and how I have certainly continued the tradition of getting trashed regularly when I was younger.

I am so glad to know this, and to decide to end this particular series. I have a lot more compassion for my mom, and for my dad and sister and even myself. It is amazing what just a little information adds, how it can change so much.

God, I am so far behind right now! It is 12:30 and I must get out of here and back home!!!!!!! To the land of Dial Up I go, so further blogging is doubtful until tomorrow night or Monday.

Have a great weekend, everyone!!!!

Boggling!

Well, I just wrote up a whole post and trashed it.

I'm not convinced this one is any better, although I am a whole lot clearer on what is going on in this brain of mine. I'm only posting it because, well, I love to blog, and perhaps others do the same thing I do in my thoughts.

I will try to distill this:

I have crossed the line with the Greek where evidently I've become afraid of rejection. I can see it in what I was trying to write, and I can hear it in my thoughts: this guy is above me, I have flaws that this guy won't tolerate, he is going to take one look at my friends and family and run away screaming.

Very interesting. They may be true. They probably aren't. I don't know what to do with these thoughts.

I feel like I am back in high school.

He and his friends (two of his best friends came over! They both are great!!) were wonderful last night. I could have been hanging out with my friends- they were welcoming and warm and funny and engaging. I was very comfortable and did not feel at all like an outsider. The Greek was fantastic- he is so sharp, mischevious, fun! He is masterful- he has scenes set up that one of his friends won't even appreciate until Saturday. He made surprise arrangements for this friend as a birthday gift- the Greek got the remaining info he needed, and I doubt the friend will even realize after the fact that the Greek got it from him. I think his friend- who is very smart-will wonder for a long time how the Greek knew to do what and when.

I think I am far beyond twitterpated. I am looking at the Greek as if he is some...well, god, really, someone far more intelligent and talented than I am, full of things that I want.

He and his friends are great- truly. They are all established and bright and are all actively literally changing the world for the better. They are amazing and I had a wonderful time hanging out and joining in for a while.

There is something inside me that doesn't want to just accept things as they are. This old way of thinking has managed to transform a wonderful evening into a fearful tirade ringing in my head: oooh, hanging with the "cool" kids; they won't like you if they get to know you; they have the right clothes and car and house; you aren't good enough to hang with that crowd...blah blah blah fucking blah!!!

I have a new way of thinking. Here is it: put aside the fear. Its silliness, anyway. The very worst that could happen is that the Greek decides to not spend time with me anymore. So what? In truth, there is nothing the Greek has that I need and can't get without him. I am not going to ciphon out his intelligence and inject it into my brain; I have my own money; I am a woman and can get attention and sex anywhere, and I have tons of love in my life, from friends and family and my own self. My own experiment has shown me that there are plenty of good guys out there looking for relationships. I am not going to shrivel up and wither away if he decides that I am not the one for him!

There are better ways of thinking even than that. I am already jumping my thoughts into the future, what if this? What if that? Why not just sit here and be HERE- not thinking about tonight, or tomorrow, or a year from now. Not wondering if I've made a mistake, or how I could possibly hold on to someone like this.

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours!" (Richard Bach).

I think I'd rather reject these non-fun and somewhat tortuous thoughts and go for something more enjoyable. For instance, accept the moment as it is. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen, so there is no need to worry or fret or anything. Just be. Being is good!!!!! At this very second, there is nothing going on to worry about! The Greek is not here- I am not doing anything to scare him off (well, maybe blogging about the whole thing might do the trick, if he knew that I blogged and read it. But I am pretty sure he doesn't know/hasn't read, and I don't really think he'd mind if he knew or read). And if I did somehow "scare him off", by my own belief system, then the right thing happened anyway! I am actually even amused at myself, watching parts of me do this little dance.

Apparently I found someone I really like....ooooh, scarey!!!

Well, right now, at this moment, I should go off to work. I have spent a lot of time on the post I trashed, writing it and looking at it and thinking about it, then writing this one. At this moment, all is well.

Jeez, there is so much more to write. Loads of stuff from Lewes, DE. Also, I will return to Dial Up land (e.g. the parents' house) this weekend, as my gram is back in the hospital. I will fearlessly hang out with the Greek again tonight, and be off tomorrow. I am going to have to get a laptop so that I can access email and blog while traveling. But all these are for another post!

God, there is a lot to learn!

In Love with Tuesdays

Tuesdays seem to be my quiet days.

The NP had a clinic in the morning, then had to leave to catch a plane this afternoon. She will be out until Monday. Since she was seeing patients all day, I had the office to myself and had a burst of productivity. I am mostly caught up in our paperwork, happily, and was able to run stats for a few articles we hope to publish.

She left at 1, and I left at 4. I am taking tomorrow and Thursday off, and will return for a few hours on Friday. Tomorrow, I'll make our family's annual pilgrimmage to Lewes, DE. My extended family from Minnesota will be there- it will be great to see everyone!

I'll return Thursday, and will hang out with the Greek and one of his best friends. This is the best friend I wrote about in yesterday's blog- things move quickly in his world! LOL! We all are going to just hang out, throw something on the grill, very relaxed. Should be a lot of fun- I am definately looking forward to seeing him! I think I'll get along well with his friend as well- I've been in her shoes before, and I think its cool that she came right down. :)

In the meantime, tonight I am doing laundry, eating a lovely huge healthy dinner, and knitting and just relaxing. How I love my hobbit-hole apartment and my quiet life!!! It's raining gently outside, so peaceful, so beautiful. I have loads of yarn, great book, and more contentment than I can hold within. :)

Coincidence?

Okay. Today our big boss- whose office is two doors down from mine and the NP's- brought his young son into work with him. I don't know why he brought him in today- its the first time I've met the young'n. His name is the same as the Greek's (which, for the record, isn't exactly a common name!). All day long people were calling out his name: "Hi [the Greek!]!" "Look who's here! It's [the Greek]!" "[The Greek!] aren't you the rising Star scientist!"

Argh!!! How is a girl supposed to concentrate when there are constant reminders of the Greek god she spent the weekend with?

Finally, after the boss had gone home, the NP and I checked our email. She received an invite to run a workshop on brain injury in New Orleans this winter.

"You're coming, right?" she asked me.

"Of course!!!!!"

She emailed her acceptance, telling them that I would be coming down as well and would help run the workshop.

New Orleans in the winter- right on!

Plus, this fits right in with a conversation the Greek and I had this weekend. I was telling him about my travels, then stated that somehow, despite covering most of the States, I hadn't made it into California yet.

"Really?" he asked, eyes smiling. "You'll have to come with me on one of my work trips! I'll be going there pretty frequently until January or so."

"Sounds great! Do you have a place in the States you really want to visit?" I asked.

"I've been thinking about checking out New Orleans, but I don't know if I should go during Mardi Gras," he said. "I've heard its a lot of fun all the time."

"Oh, don't go during Mardi Gras, at least not for your first visit!" I laughed. "Go in the winter! Get away for the great weather- there is always a party going on, you don't need to get swamped at Mardi Gras!"

Mmmhmmm. How much more fun would New Orleans be with the Greek coming along, too? I don't know- and I'm not likely to find out, since he has a massive project going into space in December. We'll see, though, as things have a funny way of working out.

I really love this stuff. The Greek and I have this kinda small yet consistent stuff happening everywhere around us. We were laughing today because one of his best friends (a female! Hoorrah!!) wants to meet me. We were talking about how our tightest circle of friends are like the proxy family- how they act the "parents", giving a first opinion. His friend lives in WV. "It'll be months before we're able to slip out for a weekend! You'll have to bring her here during the work week!"
"Thats what we thought, too. How about Thursday or Friday?"

Laughing, I told him that it was perfect!

And it is unfolding perfectly. I don't know where any of this will go, but for now it is so easy, such a great fit! It is lovely to just go with it all, and have a brilliant time!!

Twenty-Four Hours Later

Lovely, lovely twenty-four hours. I was uncharacteristically well-behaved last night. At first, I thought that something was wrong. I am never as sedate as I was, I am usually much more, well, agressive isn't the right word, but perhaps interactive? Assertive? Not lately, apparently- at least, not with the Greek! I don't know why this is- he is not judgemental or controlling or anything. I just felt like the wise move was to go s-l-o-w. Very unusual!

It was a lovely time. We started off at Little Havana's to meet up with some his friends. I was good and only had two beers. I would have had only one, but the Greek got me a second without asking when he got his. I sipped it and didn't finish it.

While at Little Havana's, the Greek "passed" one of my "tests". I always give preference to men with female friends- first, it indicates that they are able to be friendly with women, don't view women as objects/beings from another planet; second, I have found that other women will generally tell you up front if the guy you are with is a dog. When he was getting us drinks, one of the women pulled me aside and told me that that the Greek was really a great guy and they'd teased him a lot that he should get a good woman. To me, that is always a good sign.

Next, we went to the Comedy Club (I forget the name) and caught a show by Mickey Cucchiella, who is a DJ for 98 Rock. The Greek was given the tickets from the Make-A-Wish Foundation (he is a volunteer). I was doubtful about it, but it was actually a lot of fun! MC is really, really funny, and a little charming. I expected him to be an ass, but he wasn't. He was very Baltimore- funny, offensive, yet charming and good-hearted.

Afterwards, I took him to one of my favorite Very Baltimore places- The Dirt Church. The Mt. Royal Tavern is a dark, dirty, smokey dive bar, with a replica of the Sistine Chapel on the ceiling! To me, that is Baltimore in a nutshell.

Finally, we ended up back at my house, where we drank coffee and talked and smooched into the wee hours. I continued my good behavior. He is gorgeous! He looks like a Greek statue- 6'3, broad shoulders, athletic build...mmmmm....I don't know how I got so lucky, and I don't know why I didn't grab the opportunity to hook up...but I didn't. I told him that I didn't want to screw anything up by jumping in too soon. He smiled and said, "That's kinda cute! Its perfectly fine!" And it was. So it is. Right?

In the morning, we hung out and smooched some more, I made breakfast, then we hung out and talked some more. We drove into Fells Point, I introduced him to the yarn shop women, which he handled with much aplomb! We had lunch at the Broadway Market, and coffee and dessert at the Galleria.

Finally, he is off to hang with his friends tonight, and I am off to hang with mine.

Overall, top rate. He is not like me in so many ways- he is a "good" guy, he hasn't done drugs, he isn't a big drinker, he went straight through school, he is very smart, he has his own house, he is healthy and together and normal! I was a punk rocker, full of attitude, have done my share of psychedelics and drinking, dropped out of college and travelled the USA, was engaged only months ago, had drugs shatter everything...I haven't laid it out like this, of course, but the differences are pretty stark!

Yet, we have several eerrie similarities. We don't like TV in general- but both watch and adore South Park and The Simpsons. Well, that is an easy one, loads of people love South Park and the Simpsons. Its more pronounced when you look at the bookshelves. We read the same books- from early childhood into adulthood. We share very similiar spiritual beliefs. We love the same foods- we both have a weakness for chocolate peanut butter ice cream, Lindts chocolate, good coffee, Yuengling Black and Tan. We both get intrigued easily. Be both love a good prank. For christ's sake, we both have the same kind of glasses, similiar prescriptions, and we both have the same shaped weird big toes!! Of course, we both are scientists, we approach things similarly. We seem to want to build the same kind of life, a partnership, a family. We have similar ideas on how to best accomplish these things.

Unfortunately, we both have crazy schedules. Ugh. I won't see him again until Thurs or Friday (or both).

I am going to close out Match. No more dates. I will tell everyone I am "seeing" now that I am getting out of the dating scene. I'll hang with the Greek as time permits. He is extremely promising. I am glad that I didn't jump in, but I am very much looking forward to spending time with him!!

Its now time to hop off and go pick up the Artist and the Best Friend! Off for another splendid Saturday evening!

Can't Wait!!! Can't Wait!!!! Can't Wait!!!!

Pure silliness. Am bouncing off the walls at work, waiting to meet up with the Greek and to start the weekend!!! Getting a bit twitterpated again- heart racing, butterflies in the stomach, nervous energy. Doesn't mean a dang thing, but it is a lot of fun!!!!!!!

It is such fun to be all grown up and in control and to do anything you want to! It's definately a benefit of being a woman: for the most part, we get to call the shots. Dinner out, or drinks, or a show, or a movie, or nakedness, or anything!!! For the most part, if you just ask, you tend to get (especially nakedness!!!). (I am pretty sure that this is what DaBrettman is saying in his Pout. But that's for another post, another time!)It is all good!!!! If the weekend is anything like this week has been...waahhhooo!!!! Only a few more distracted hours to go....

Convulsing on the Floor in Sheer Delight

Liberal Weiner? Right Wing Nut Job? Oooohhh...
this is sooo good!!!

Glory Days!

This has been among the Best Days Ever.

First: WE GOT THE GRANT!!!!!! After three long years, many 16+ hours days, many non-stop weekends, and two crushing defeats at the hands of NIH reviewers, we officially received word today that the NP is funded for the next five years.

This grant is what brought the NP and I together as colleagues- three years ago she asked around for a grad student to help her learn stats. I ended up being that person! We have worked endlessly ever since, through the first application, which was trounced; we then talked with any and everyone who we thought could help, I read as much as I could and sought out my professors for aid; we submitted a second application and got only a slightly improved review. The NP decided to do it again last year- once again we sought out everyone and got our hands on everything. You only get three tries, so this was it. If we failed, the NP was going to go into private practice, and I was going to go into med school.

Today, we know that we have at least five years to work together, to really get things going. I am going to go for my PhD, and I hope to continue to build a career with the NP. I don't know how I could have gotten any luckier, how I could have gotten a better partner, than the NP. She is wonderful!!!

And, as if that weren't fantastic enough, I also found out that I am officially going to Ireland in September. I put my deposit down, and the papers are signed. I haven't written about this yet, but its been brewing for a little while. I'll write more about it later on.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant day.

3 in 1!

...blog entries in a single day, that is.

Just got back from another date. He is a very nice guy, my age.  Smart, of course- a Hopkins alum. We went to The Rusty Scupper, then hiked around the Harbor.  He had no flowers- but instead gave me a skein of yarn! This means he carefully read my profile- that was a GOOD move!!!! All in all, a very pleasant evening!

Still, the Greek is the clear front-runner.  We are going to meet on Friday. This will be the third date, after which decisions are made.  I can't imagine that I won't want to keep seeing him, unless something goes seriously amiss.

I am amusing myself with my back/forthness regarding this dating thing. I am really enjoying meeting all these people- these guys have been great! I guess its because I haven't gotten serious with any of them that things feel to be moving so smoothly.

But, for the most part, these guys are looking to start something serious. The Intel guy was the only one who was into dating (and, ironically, it seems that he stopped dating to get serious with an ex who returned!). All the other guys are expressedly going on dates to find someone to settle down with. 

I keep telling myself that I'm not looking to start anything serious- but then why bother seeing the same guy? The Greek wants to find the right woman and start a family. If I am not interested in starting a relationship, isn't it better to let him know up front that I am not out looking to start a relationship?

I crack myself up. After all this time, its as if I still only go in Full Throttle or Not At All.  I forget that it's possible to just meet people, hang out, get to know them, without jumping right in, or jumping right out. Right now, I think things are fine. I think I *am* going to hop off Match, or at least get my profile out of public view, and take a break from seeing anyone new. I have two last "new" people to see, but then that has to be it for a while.

We'll see how things go, overall. I have really enjoyed hanging out with the Greek, and I suspect we'll have just as nice a time this Friday. I think I have mis-identified how I really feel right now. It's not that I'm disinterested in starting up a relationship; I am not interested in doing things the same way I've done them in the past. I don't want to find someone and just jump right in. If things go well, and it feels right to keep spending time with him (or any of these guys), and he feels the same way...then it's all good, right?

I think I am doing the right thing for myself at this time. It has certainly been a lot of fun! Doing things differently- it is good. Good!!!

Heh!!!

 
For my sis and the Man, there are currently difficulties. But for
other loved ones, the troubles are clearing.

Take, for instance, the Best Friend. She just came into my office,
glowing. She has recently freed herself from a long-term relationship
which was no longer nuturitive in any sense. Of course, being a young,
beautiful, intelligent female, she immediately attracted all sorts of
compliments and positive attention- it has been very good for her! You
can see it in her- she is doing so well!

She also just got the best pick-up line(s) tossed her way, ever!

Every other week, in the early evening, she walks to a nearby shopping
center to get her nails done. Before her appointment, she does into
the bar next door for a beer. She has been doing this for a year now,
and is a sort of "regular" there- at least, a regular for Tuesday
nights, every other week. A group of older gents (as in, 60s-80s) hang
there. Its a neighborhood kinda place for older guys. They know her,
and they know of her relationship woes.

They also could tell that something was up last night.

"You got rid of the Bag of Dirt, didn't you!" one of them asked.

"Yes, I finally did!"

All five of the guys converged around her.

"Let me buy you a drink!" said one.

"No, let me buy you a car!" said a second.

"No, let me buy you a HOUSE!!" yelled the third.

"I'll buy you ANYTHING!!! Just marry me!" yelped the fourth!

In the end, she laughed and settled for a drink. I love scenes like
that, and one usually starts up when the Best Friend is involved. We
have had such good times due to her knack for creating scenes just
like this! (She has also found places to live on a whim, great jobs,
and fantastic travel opportunites just by showing up and meeting just
the right people- she is remarkable!)

Suddenly, for her, life is fun again. I am so happy for her! And, of
course, it will be happier and a lot brighter for all of us in her
sphere, because she is returning to her shining self again. Who can
help but be cheered?

We both agreed that so far, this is turning out to be the best summer
in quite a few years! I am so glad that she is in Baltimore!!! There
is still half a summer left for loads of fun!!!

Blogging Goodness

Test

Trying to see if I can blog from email. If it works, I am likely to
be blogging a lot more often...which may or may not be a positive turn
of events!!!!

Lets see. I always love a good experiment!

UPDATE: Not only does this work (HURRAH!!!), but the explanation was under "Blogging Basics." Yah, I have a lot to learn!!! LOL!

Time Out

Today was exactly what I needed: our final draft for our book chapter went out, and I received my copy of a neuropsychiatric magazine with an article on one of my posters (yah, I was even interviewed for it!).  Both helped to smooth over my feelings of unproductivity at work. There is still a lot to do, but I don't need to solve every problem right now.  For today, at least, I went in at 10 am, came home at 6:30 pm, and am pleased with it.

This evening was rather lovely, too. I did NOTHING. Well, I got home at 7, cooked up a nice healthy yummy meal, made a pot full of french vanilla decaf coffee, played on-line, talked to my sis, and read. It is just past 11 and I will soon be off to bed.

This has been heavenly. I can't believe I would ever feel this content over Nothing!!!

Sometimes I can't imagine life any other way than this- living in my own space, exactly as I want it, lovely and quiet, having hours of beautiful time just to myself to do as I please.  No one else around- and I love it! I am a strange woman, perhaps, but I love sleeping alone, and spending time alone, and living alone.

This isn't to say that I don't also adore sleeping next to someone I love, or creating a warm and welcoming home with someone I love- I have been fortunate to have had these experiences, and I hope to create them again some day in the relatively near future.

It is to say the moment is perfect. I love getting older, and realizing that all moments change, and so it is wonderful to simply enjoy the moment now- and if it can't be enjoyed,  know that it won't be long before things change, and soon the moment becomes enjoyable again.

Time for a lovely, lengthy sleep.  ZZzzzzz.... 

 

Perspective

I am back home, sad and quiet.

Overall, I feel a bit at a loss.

The Man called me this weekend. He is not doing well at all. I called his mum as soon as I got home, to talk with her and find out what was going on.  His mom and dad are wonderful- I love them both. I don't want to go into it, only to say that I am very glad he is reaching out for help, but god, he has a rough road. 

Today, my darling younger sister officially became a "thirty-something." I talked with her in Pittsburgh- she loves birthdays, but had a less than spectacular day.  Its hard when your loved ones live so far away!!!

The weekend was nice. I saw my gram, who is doing well and should return home on Wed. I got to hang with my mom, which, at my age (32),  is a lovely way to spend one's time. I went to breakfast with an old friend, then took an even older friend- the one who is now, sadly, getting divorced, out to dinner. That was a LOAD of fun! From here on in, I am going to refer to him as the Tattoo artist, as he is currently in an apprenticeship outside of Philly. 

He and I have been tight friends for a long, long time- half my life, actually.  I was the "best man" at his wedding. I am the one of the few people outside his family who he is still close with, who knew him before he met his wife (they met when they were 15 and until last month, had been together since then).

It was good to talk with him and hang with him. We laughed our asses off for hours. I showed him my Match profile- he loves my pic.  He has always "protected" me from his friends- whenever one of his crazy punk or skinhead friends would ask for my info, he would refuse and tell them, "She'll swallow your soul!"  He definately thinks my pic is a "Swallow your Soul!" kinda shot. Too funny!

Afterwards, I drove into Society Hill and checked into a nice posh room.  Had a glass of wine at the bar, then went to sleep. Sat in on a very small Investigator's Meeting, did a quick presentation that I am going to totally re-design for any future meetings, and went on a date with another Match.com person.

The date was very nice.  He tolerated me switching up plans, and we ended up in an Irish pub/restaurant in Old Town.  He is a smart, polite, interesting, decent guy. It was a lovely time.

Now, I am back home.

I am home, thinking about what I would like to do from here.

I feel sad, thinking of the Man, and my sis. I am not happy with my work performance, but I also think that I have to re-define what is "good" in work.  Before the Man crashed, I was able to work late nights, the NP and I were dedicated and moving and working and producing, and it was great. But now I want to develop my personal life, and I don't think I can create a satisfactory personal life AND work those kind of hours. 

Last, of course, is to think about this dating game.  I haven't come to any solid decisions yet, but right now I am leaning towards seeing the Greek but getting off Match. I still don't want to get serious or exclusive, but I do think I am ready for a Time Out. I am suspicious of my own motives for all of this!!! Both the idea of staying and going!!!

Well, it is very late. Time for sleep!!!

All is Quiet

Just sending off a brief blog before heading into work, then off to Philly. Back to the land of dial-up, god save me! It will be nice, though. Will hang with family and friends, see my grandmother, who is in a rehab hospital for a fractured hip. Then on Monday I''ll give a presentation at an Investigators Meeting, then have a date from Match, then a return home.

The date with the Greek went really well, I think. He scares me a bit- we are extremely in synch.  He is a very strong "mirror" for me- we are doing things like calling each other at exactly the same time and getting our voice mails; eating the same flavor ice cream at home; saying the same thing at the same time; getting the same take-home message from our last relationships; etc.

Its weird, but I feel as though I've been called out, as if the Universe has now given me several experiences that I've wanted to have: the Secret Service guy, a guy from "home," a guy who is even busier than I am, to remind me to make room for people; the Intel guy, the one who has everything, completely romantic, smart, interesting, spiritual, but still not quite "there", not quite looking at everything, still out and partying, etc., but still wonderful; then this Greek gentleman,  who is so attractive, so smart, and very introspective, so like me its scary, even on only a second date.

Its been extremely interesting. Right now, I feel still and quiet. I would like to stop here and just be, let things perculate in my head and heart, stop thinking and just be.  I wanted to get out and about, to try dating, to see what else is out there.  The answer is that the World is out there- there is so much in it, it is abundant!!! I wanted to see if there were options, and if I had any value in the world, and I found out that there is anything one could choose out there, and that I can navigate it.

I am not sure where I want to go from here, if anywhere. I have greatly enjoyed meeting these guys. The intent was not to "hold onto" any one of them, nor to get into a serious relationship, but to explore and experience.  I've been given what I wanted, and I am feeling grateful, appreciative. But now, also very still.

I'm glad to have a simple ride home today. Tonight I'll sit in the woods of PA and be quiet. As always, the timing is impecaable.

More Tonight...

Wow. I just finished reading Anne- she posted this link to an article on a recent plane flight  I am ignoring the reference to Ann Coulter in the article- why Coulter was brought into it is beyond me- as the article itself is just the author's experience.

All I want to say is that both the Secret Service guy and the Intel Analyst have told me about things like this. Very, very, very scary. The Secret Service guy said that this summer was a benchmark time for Al-Queda- they are throwing whatever they have into hitting the US before November. He said there were several very credible threats. He told me all this way back in April or May (whenever it was that I first met him).  Of course, he didn't give me any details, but he was deadly serious about it.  (It explains why he is basically working 24-7, sadly.)

The Intel guy told me about the kinds of problems illustrated in the article. He does foreign analysis, but he is restricted by law from sharing info on foreigners once they enter the States.  He talked about the problems the agencies are having, even with the Patriot Act, trying to collect info which- by congressional law- they aren't allowed to share.  He also stated that we usually unwittingly tell the terrorists how best to get us- but that, in turn, they tell us how to get them.

He said that the way the terrorists "tell" on themselves is through unwitting behavior. There is a sign on I-95 that asks drivers to report suspicious behavior- I have always laughed at this sign. No more! He said that things as simple as someone spending a lot of cash, or the arrival of a strange car or cars in the neighborhood, can be the tip-off (that they have thwarted attacks based on the info from separate reports that nice cars would show up in bad areas once every three weeks, which was when/where the leaders met).  We humans are regular and predictable, and we give off more information than we'd ever want to think about in our daily lives. I've noticed this in my research- my little monitors show that often the people in my studies wake up and stand up at nearly exactly the same time each morning- even with alarm clocks, you'd expect more variation. Freaky.

Well, it is very late, and this is too much thinking about uncomfortable topics.  Off to bed!

The dating stream continues on

The Greek and I are supposed to meet up tomorrow night, although we haven't figured out what we are doing. I haven't heard from him today, so I'm hoping that plans don't get scuttled.

I also finally had a date with someone who didn't wow me- although he was very nice, very smart. He's just a little young for me. God, I am getting old!!! 

Still,  I have a date on Friday, Monday, and Tuesday, each with different people. I am really looking forward to tomorrow; the date on Monday should be interesting, as I've been IMing with this guy for a while; the date on Tuesday is also with a promising person. Its as if there are tons of great guys out there- how do you choose one? How do you even get serious with one over the other? Obviously, there needs to be a "spark"- but I am old enough to know that there has to be more than just a spark.  I thought that there was supposed to be a paucity of good men after 30- my current experience suggests that this is NOT the case!!!

The Intel guy is out of the game- he called on Wed to tell me that an ex-girlfriend has returned, and he wants to try again with her.  I was surprised that I was a little sad about it, he is such a great guy! I told him to let her know that she is very lucky, getting a second shot at him! But it also solves some problems, and lets me off the hook.

At some point soon, I am going to hop off match.com and take a break! I guess I wanted to get some practice at dating, and wanted to see what was available. It's  been great- a ton of fun! I have "inspired" four women to hop on-line and give the e-dating a shot, as its easier and more efficient to meet and vet guys on-line than in-person.

I don't want to continue what I'm doing, though. I am having fun, but I didn't want to become a "professional" dater- it is taking up a lot of time and energy and focus.  I think I have gotten what I wanted to get out of the dating experience. Maybe now its better to chill out and just enjoy the summer with my friends and colleagues, and wait until I feel ready for a real relationship.

Well, we will see.
 

Hmmmmm...

I met the most amazing person last night! Its a guy from match.com- my third. I have stopped writing to the Secret Service guy (what's the point? He was great when he was around, but he is never around!), I am still chatting with the Amazing Intel guy, but I am sticking to my Dating policy!!! (And anyway, he had his navy reserves this past weekend, and I'll be in Philly this coming weekend, he'll be in Washington State the weekend after that...so I am not sure when I'll see him again.)

Earlier in the week, a man sent me the smartest email I've ever received as an introduction...so smart and clever that I just couldn't resist. His profile was outstanding- the written sections were smart, funny, open, and his listed items matched mine. Then, there were the pics- oh my god. This guy is a strapping 6'3, in shape, dark hair, dark eyes...yum!!! So, after a few emails and a few short phone calls, we decided to meet up for dinner in Ellicott City.

I got to the restaurant first, only by a few minutes. Long enough for me to inquire as to whether he'd arrived already, and to then ask to look at the menu. After a minute or two, I looked up from the menu to see the hostess with an incredulous look on her face. I turned around to see this gorgeous, smiling Greek god carrying a vase full of luscious red roses.

"Jenn!" It was a greeting, not a question (as it usually is when you first meet someone). He gave me a big hug and asked if I'd been there long, that he'd hoped to get there before me.

That was a great way to start off!!!!

I had a wonderful, wonderful time. At first, I was trying to figure out why someone so good-looking, so smart, and so charming was possibly still single. As were talking, it occurred to me that his intelligence probably plays a part- he is a scientist (he works for NASA) and he talks like a scientist. He gracefully used words "percentage" and "random distribution" and "deviation" in his conversation without a second thought. Of course, to me, that is my language and I love it, but I think most people would consider him a bit geeky (although his looks should off-set it!).

We have a lot in common, and I think we really hit it off. It kinda scared me how well we hit it off, actually. We share the same spiritual beliefs- he is the first male I've ever met who believes in the same things that I do. He has a lot of the same issues in his familial relationships as I do. We both have masters degrees, are both very goal-oriented, are both on the same kind of diet, into the same kind of books and interests.
By the end of the night, we were talking with some of his friends and ended up saying the same thing at the same time. We ended up just talking and walking around town for a long time, then having a drink and chatting more before I had to leave.

I was completely blown away. I was, once again, entirely twitterpated by the time I left. I felt shaken into my soul by my interactions with this man. I feel like this guy looked deeply into me and smiled, having understood. I am usually the one peering in, so this was a wild and different experience!

He is in LA for work this week. We are to meet again on Friday. I am so looking forward to it!

In the meantime...there are a ton of match.com emails to decide about. I was supposed to have a date tomorrow, but I haven't heard anything from that person to confirm. Actually, there are four more dates lined up...I am very careful when "vetting" who I want to meet face to face, but at some point soon I am bound to have a date with someone who doesn't bowl me over, right?

I don't know...I would end the whole dating thing on Friday if things go well, if the Greek isn't interested in dating others. It seemed to me that he felt similarly as I did.

That I would even consider this is scary...must keep head on straight! I have only met three men so far! The purpose was to get out and about, not to jump into a relationship!!! Must remind myself of this often!!!

Peace

Ah, the relaxation of Friday night.

The Best Friend is happily on her way to PA; my Artist Friend is happily at work on her art; the NP is quietly working, delighted to be completed with stats class and ready to get back on track; and the Man has regained his balance- we are talking a bit and this time I am staying honest, and we are both doing much better.

And, like my friends, I am also very content, hanging in my PJs, watching an old movie TV and knitting, and enjoying finally a quiet and solitary evening. We wrapped up the stats class today. I feel in good shape to tackle our next set of goals, and can set aside work from my mind. I feel content now in all aspects of life, and at least for the moment have set aside any worries, compulsions, "shoulds", or negatives.

Life, my friends, is beautiful.

Blah blah blah

I didn't have to have the conversation with The Man. He knew I was out on a date last night, and has decided that it will be better for him to cut off all communication. I tend to agree with him. I am both sad and relieved.

The date was with the Intel guy, who had driven into Towson to visit with one of his friends. We hung out afterwards. I didn't start a conversation about where we stand, and neither did he. Right now, I am taking the easy way out and just enjoying hanging out with him. His next few weekends are booked (military service this weekend, back home to Washington State the following), so I'm not sure when I'll see him again.

I have another date tonight tonight, but I think I might chill out after this. Work is kicking my ass- I am still in stats class, and its rough going- and in general I am just really worn out. I think I need a few days to just chill out and recharge...maybe this weekend...

Accountability

Well, for most Americans today is a lovely, leisurely day off. For this American, it will be a day with a few hours of statistics class. I am experiencing some difficulty this morning, cranky because I could really use the day off, and upset with myself as described in the earlier post, and just overall worn out. AND my PC is acting screwy, AND I can't access my Hotmail account.

Ya know, you start off the day thinking negatively, all you see afterwards is negativity. I know this, but am still hanging out in the ick thinking pattern.

So. I really learned a lot over the past week.

One. In the last six month, I'd gotten a lot "clearer"- I had clearer thinking and had simplified my life greatly. I was eating healthier, not drinking, writing, working, and so forth.

I made many different decisions in the last week. First, I broke my abstinence from alcohol. At no indiviudal point this week did I drink excessively, but I did do a lot more drinking over the past seven days than in the entire year so far. I noticed that drinks really, really clog up my head. I had a beer with the Intel guy on Monday, then two glasses of wine with him and the Best Friend on Wed, and then I had two beers on Friday night with my friend who is getting divorced and the Best Friend on Friday, and THEN I had three or four beers over all day/night Sat with old friends.

Good god! I think I've gained 5-7 pounds in hops alone! It's funny- I didn't get drunk or anything, but my brain was just clogged up all week. Even with the first beer, I could tell that I wasn't as sharp the following day.

I think it's just a matter of reverting back- I used to drink several times a week; hell, in my college days we drank all the time. In the neighborhood where I grew up, everyone drinks every weekend, although not everyone gets trashed doing it. It was nice to step out of that pattern for a while- and it was strange and heavy feeling to get back into it, however briefly.

And, of course, there is the fact that I am getting older, and perhaps the alcohol-induced brain fog is just a symptom of aging.

But, beyond having a few drinks, I also ate like crap. In general I feel icky and unhappy with myself. Some of this driven by physicality. I learned this week that I don't have as much leesway when it comes to taking care of self.

Second, I learned that I have much to learn regarding determining how I want to interact with others in this world.

The Intel guy was in town all week for training, and we spent a lot of time together. At one point on Wed, when he wasn't at our table, the Best Friend grabbed my arm and said, "I know that I've had a few drinks, but Jenn, if you don't grab this guy and marry him you are an IDIOT!!!!" Its among the most funny things she has ever said to me, given my anti-marriage tendencies! But she and I operate on different levels- he is more her type of guy than mine, although I definately want to continue to get to know him better.

However, it seems that I only know how to do the serial dating thing. One of the things I liked about him was that he was clear on why he was dating, and that he didn't want to rush into exclusivity, and that a lot was off-limits without exclusivity. Well, we pretty much trashed those boundaries in only a few days, and the topic of exclusivity didn't come up once. Which is good, because my purpose right now is NOT to get exclusive! But I can't help notice that I just ran headlong as if this was starting up a close relationship.

Must repeat to self: DON'T GET EXCLUSIVE!!!! DATE MORE PEOPLE!!!!! DO NOT FALL INTO NEW RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We both had plans for the holiday weekend- he invited me to his, but my dad just turned 60 and there was a big bash for him. I am glad for the respite, because I have to get my head in a clear place. Which, after drinking all week/end, and getting a little caught up in the whirlwind romance thing, the head was not clear at all.

And, of course, as noted earlier, I straight up lied to the Man about all this. So I feel completely without integrity on that note.

So I have a few important conversations coming up. The first will be with the Man. Ugh. I will come clean and let him know all of what is going on. I will confirm his fear that I spent the night with another man, and that there is someone else- even though I am not settling into a serious relationship with that person at this time. This will be a very unpleasant conversation.

Then, at some point soon, I will have to find out from the Intel guy where he stands on things. This is hard, because I firmly believe that pretty much any sane, single girl with an ounce of self-esteem would follow through on this guy. I've now been spending quite a bit of time with him, and he is really, really a good guy. Of course, no one is perfect, but he might as well have written a few books on how to romance a woman. He listens, remembers, is courteous, is confident, is so, so smart, is spiritual, is handsome, is fun and great to talk with...phew!

If I am to learn anything from my experiences, I will also tell him where I stand on things. This sounds so simple, but it is not!!!! It will be quite revealing, though.

I lost my integrity first with the Intel guy, because he earlier set certain boundaries for what he did and did not do unless he felt serious about a woman and wanted to date only her. He initiated things, and I went crossed those lines without any regard for he earlier clearly stated conditions- I am not ready to get serious about anyone, and I want to stay on track with my goal for dating others. So I basically trashed his wishes. This does not speak well of me at all, and I am not happy with myself for doing it.

Now, it may turn out that he was all talk, and that he doesn't want to get serious after all. It may turn out that Mr. Perfect is actually Mr. Player- especially given that he is soooo good at Romance. If this is the case, then his integrity is trashed, too, and at least I won't feel guilty about my own actions.

On the other hand, if he does want to get serious, then I will have to quickly re-evaluate my thoughts on things. Even the NP, who is really pushing me to date, talked with the Best Friend after she met him and conceded that maybe it would better to just focus on this guy for a bit. The questions here center on the purpose of what I'm doing, and that is a whole other blog entry- or many blog entries!!!

Overall, I can work to put a positive and truthful spin on the last week- that sometimes you do have to move backwards before moving forward. I stepped out of my healthier, cleaner, more honest life, and into a dishonest, less healthy life. I would like this to stop here.

Okay, I've now spent all morning blogging and telling all in public. Good thing this is mostly an anonymous blog!!!!! Still, if I put it up I might have some external accountability (although my friends offer that as well).

Must get to class. Enjoy the holiday!

I wrote this up before the weekend, but wanted to work on it. I'll just put this much up now, since I'll never go through and re-write the whole thing:

Slipping

I have slipped off-center, lately. Loads of classes, not enough real work getting done, running out and about with the Intel guy, not being truthful with the Man. Trying to spare feelings instead of being honest, both with the Man and the Intel guy.

If there is one thing I hope to learn out of the whole addiction experience, it is to just SEE THINGS HOW THEY REALLY ARE.

I hate being dishonest with the Man, but apparently not enough to actually be honest. I *was* being honest, until the truth would have been extremely painful. Then, I chickened out. He asked me direct questions and I lied. The justification was that I just didn't want to hurt him, but that is the coward's way out. Maybe I don't want to hurt him- I definately don't- but I don't know what is "best" for him. Maybe it is best for him to be hurt regarding my dating others- maybe it would help him to get the reality of the situation. We had such a lovely time last weekend- maybe I am just comforted knowing that he still loves me, and that I am not totally alone, and I don't want to give that up.

However I try to spin it, it is completely on me to be honest with him. I don't have to give him details, but if he asks something I can just say, "That is none of your business." I don't have to totally fabricate something, which is what I have been doing. The Man is not stupid-- he wants to believe me, I have always been honest with him before-- but I am being a total jerk. I don't like it. I don't know whether I will tell him that I lied and start being more truthful, or whether I will just start from here. I am really trying to take the easy way out of everything these days.

Too Much to Write About

...but not due to a lot of action. Just a lot of thinking.

Its very late, but in quick order:

Loss of Integrity

Telling Lies to the Man

Blurring Boundaries

Willfully ignoring information that is directly in front of my eyes

Wishful thinking

Unclear thinking

Confusion regarding relationships, purposes, etc.

It's been a rough week! I have CLASS TOMORROW- GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!- but I hope to sit down and pound out some thoughts on the blog.