Ungracious

Ungracious, stressed, rude. Ugh. That's me. The Man came home with a bunch of engagement gifts that people have given us. It made me want to throw up. I suggested that we ask people to donate something to their favorite cause in our name if they want to give us engagement gifts. The Man looked at me as if I were crazy. He doesn't understand why this shit stresses me out so.

However, I understand it. It is extremely clear to me that I have zero intentions of marrying the Man or anyone else. I thought it was the right thing to do to get him on my benefits for treatment. Well, treatment is here and will be over with before we get married. Therefore I see no reason to get married, and every reason NOT to get married.

It's not exactly the nicest thing to tell someone the day before he starts interferon treatment, though, is it. Although it's not like we haven't been talking about this for ages now. But now is probably not the time.

I've had a massive stress headache since he came in with all those fucking useless stupid wrapped pieces of crap last night. Serving dishes and bowls and things. I am a miserable wench right now. We have enough crap and I don't want anything more from anybody.

Forget it. I am not going through with this. I've never ever wanted to get married. Why the fuck did I bring this up? What the fuck was I thinking?

Sigh. What's the right thing to do here. Tell him now? Wait six months until after treatment? That's not an option, is it? We can't keep taking these gifts from people.

Sometimes it is hard to be me. I don't know why I am like this, but this is how it is. I don't want to hurt the Man or his family (my family will have already seen this coming and won't be shocked at all- they were shocked that I said yes in the first place). Well, my parents will be disappointed, but but not shocked.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Two Days to Go

The Man has his interferon. Friday is the long awaited day when treatment starts. He is incredibly wound up; I am depressed. I don't think we're in great shape- he's been out of work since Thanksgiving, and I don't see how he can realistically start a new job at the beginning of treatment. Who knows if he'll even be able to work at all during treatment- and I don't think we can pull it off on just my $$$, even if I'm working both jobs many, many hours. If I'm working many hours, who will be home to take care of him?

On the other hand, do I have it in me to really take care of him? I think I do- I hope I do!!!

In any case, we can't wait any longer to start treatment. Now is the time. We'll just have to do whatever is necessary to get through this whole thing.

In a way, I really just want to get going. In this way, I'm with the Man. The sooner he starts, the sooner it's over with...

Travelin' Days

I can't believe I've been in Baltimore as long as I have- if I'm here in August, it will be SIX years!!!! That's as long as I was in Pittsburgh. God help me!!!

I used to just pick up and go somewhere new. It's been a long time since then, and it will probably be a long time before I do it again. Maybe there's an Older version, namely: travel over long weekends. Hmm. As you can see below, I still have a long way go to before I can truly say I've seen my own country!!! States that I've been to are in red:

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

HURRAH!!!!

This is a rare moment when I am blogging at my Hopkins job. But I am so relieved/pleased/excited that I have to take a few minutes and post.

The Man and I went to the psychiatric specialist today. The Man got a relatively clean bill of health- the Dr. feels that he is ready and in good shape to start treatment. We were told exactly what to expect: he will feel flu-like for 48 hours after his injections, but will then feel better- almost normal- for the rest of the week. The most vulnerable time for depression/psychiatric side effects is at 3 months- because the drugs don't target brain cells, it takes a while for the brain to be changed by the medications. He said that from 3 months in, it's a matter or "How much more can you take, solider?"

The Dr. also said that if it became necessary to hospitalize the Man for severe depression, then that way the thing to do. This is different from the GI specialist, who said that the Man might have to come off the drugs due to severe psychiatric side effects. The psychiatrist said that it was probably worth dealing with the side effects in a safe environment, in order that he finish treatment and go on to live a normal life.

Of course, he may not suffer any psychiatric side effects at all.

Today's Dr. also went on to say that the chance of complete recovery is very high- he said 95%!!!!! In my New Year questioning, it could be that one year from now this whole disease is just a memory. The Man is on the edge, where he could just as easily go into permanent organ damage- but with treatment, the Dr. feels that the liver can still regenerate.

I am so pleased and relieved. The Man is skeptical- this is a much better prognosis than he was given by the GI. But he admits that he learned a bit today. I wish the Man would see this Dr and get treatment at Hopkins, but his insurance sent him elsewhere.

In general, I am more hopeful today than I've felt in a long, long time. It's a beautiful feeling, let me tell you!!!

Okay, I should get back to work. Happy Friday!!!

Nearly Here

Major events in life are coming to a head.

The Man got his prescriptions for his treatment drugs today. He goes back next week to learn how to inject the one drug. We are seeing a psychiatist who is an expert in The Man's disease tomorrow morning to get a check list of things to watch out for and strategies to adopt. For all the crap that has been going on lately, the reality and nearness of treatment tends to put much in perspective. The Man has been really sick lately- probably his last bout with drugs is having extremely bad effects. He's much sicker than he thought. In a way, I'm looking forward to his starting treatment. We'll finally be on our way to getting through it.

I met the specialist yesterday. He told me that the Man has "wimpy virus"- the kind that he has is extremely responsive to treatment. He said that while treatment would be rough going, it is nearly certain that it will work. "You'll go through six rough months then it will be over. You shouldn't have years of suffering." Which is really fantastic to hear, and makes it even easier to think about getting started.

Also, I'm getting my pre-med school applications together. This is good. Really looking forward to this, although it's also a little frightening. Don't know if I'll get in, don't know if I can hack med school if I do. But it's worth the try, at any rate. Don't know how we'll manage to pay for it, but I think we will work something out.

In general, I feel pretty positive. I think it will be all be okay.

Onward, eh? Better to move on and be happy doing so, then worry about it all.

Well, if I HaveTo...

You will marry Johnny depp. He has a mind of his
own and chooses movies mecause he likes the
idea, not to make money or become a hearthrob.
He will always respect you and stand up for
you. Congrats!!!


Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

In other news, life is settling down just a litte. The Man is stabilizing. There is hope after all. Things are better. And there's loads of football today, which means fun and togetherness and knitting. It's all okay, at least for now.

Ugh

This sentiment pretty much wraps it up.

There has been some improvement in the real world, but not in my mind. I can see that he's trying- but struggling. I don't know what he's doing, really, or where he's going. I hope that he really is moving into recovery- I think he is. But I'm still extremely wary.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Well, at least the Neuropsychiatrist is back. She's still quite jet-lagged, but as of next week we'll be back in the swing of things regarding work. I'll have a lot more to concentrate on.

But hey, at least I'm still blogging at least once a week (two weeks in, even.) Small victories, eh?

Relationship Math [e(motions)=m(atters/issues)(concern for all parties)squared]

Still trying to weigh matters.

On the one hand, I really love the Man. I see it especially now, as he's coming back into his old self, away from sickness, more open and honest about what has been going on. I have really missed him and am very glad for his return.

On the other hand, there are serious problems. There is an emotional/spiritual illness of addiction and self-destruction that feeds and promotes the behaviors. The Man is facing a lot of stressful issues right now; at this point, he has not armed himself to be better able to handle these stresses, or at least his armory failed. If his goal is to get and stay on the straight path, and not to be tied and enslaved to the addiction, then it is in his best interest to attend to the emotional/spiritual illness that allowed his guard to collaspe. He will need this as he gets further from the physical pull.

I feel that this is all really up to him. I know that at some level, he does want to be free of his addiction. He's demonstrated this for over a decade. But he's returned to it twice now in a short period of time. He's in a serious struggle.

For a while, I thought that this last return was a fatal wound to our relationship. Although I'm clear that I'm not going to leave immediately, I thought that I could foresee the end. I felt like a slow-acting poison had been injected into our systems. The addiction per se is not the killer, but rather my own thoughts such as, "he can't be counted on in tougher times," and "this is what I can expect from him," and "he doesn't know how to deal with life." But these are my own thoughts, and they don't necessarily reflect reality. He has screwed up, but he's also come through for me more often than not. Black and white thinking is rarely helpful in relationships.

At this point, I think I just have to become more comfortable with some uncertainty. I hope that he will move towards freedom, as we have rather other pressing issues to deal with. I don't know if we'll forestall treatment yet again. I don't know. But I've decided to stick with him for now, and work towards recovery. That's the decision. It's time now to move forward.

Compassionate Universe?

Author Gary Zukav believes that the Universe acts to bring out the issues most at the heart of things in time of decision. Well. I'd been struggling, trying to dissect various strands in my head regarding marriage.

On the one hand, I don't want to be married, and have felt this way for a long, long time.

On the other hand, I don't exactly know why I feel this way- I can't really explain it.

After having decided that there was more benefit to being married than not, the Man and I discussed it and decided to do it. So he went out and bought a ring and officially asked, and I officially said "Yes." We planned to make a quick jaunt to the courthouse.

Just having the ring on was a strange experience. I returned to my parents' house for the Christmas holiday. The Man was unable to come, as he was working (he is Jewish). However, he did call my parents and ask for their blessing. They gave it, but were quite surprised.

They were even more surprised to see the ring. I was completely shocked as they just about burst with happiness. Phone calls galore, they dragged me around the neighborhood, talked with the Man's family, started making lists.

When I told them that the Man and I were planning on going to the courthouse, well, it was painful. My parents are wonderful people- I love them to death- they went from Cloud Nine to quiet disappointment. "You have to have something for your aunts and uncles and family," pleaded my mum.

Two nights later I was completely drunk and crying my eyes out to my sister and mum, that I'd made an error. The next day my mom gave me back the ring (which she was wise enough to take from me and put in a safe place) and pointed out that we didn't need to do anything at this time. We could have a nice long engagement and I could decide if this was something that I really wanted to do. My mom rocks. She is very wise and I am going to take her advice.

My sister and I returned to Baltimore, where we immediately joined the Man and went to his family's Hanuakha celebration. We were mobbed. It was insane. His family is very happy. (And actually, legally becoming a part of his family is very high on my Pro list of getting married- I absolutely adore his family. They are wonderful!). It was nice but extremely overwhelming.

Mostly, I've been feeling like I've betrayed myself. I've been going back and forth. It has been unpleasant, to be understated.

However, the Universe came up with a doozie to help me make my decision. The Man has gone and done another Major F!ckup. In fact, it's the same Major F!ckup that he did in the summer. Namely, he has gone back into an old addiction. He'd stayed clear of it for over a decade, but it's made a rude appearance twice now in six months. Even worse, he lied about it when I confronted him point-blank. This is a new low, common to addicts, which indicates to me that the problem is pretty deep. I finally got it out of him on Sunday. He's been sick ever since, going through the detox phase.

The good news: this takes the question of getting married off the table. The bad news: now I have to decide what I want to do with this relationship. I guess it depends on him, to the extent that its up to him to put forth an effort to change this. On the other hand, I was worried and ticked off the last time, but didn't really expect to see this come up again. There is now a pattern forming, and its not one I want to bring into my life.

If I want to demonstrate commitment, then I guess I'll stay if he's willing to do what it takes to overcome this addiction again. At least as he goes through treatment.

If I want to protect myself and act on some wisdom, then I guess I'll leave. This is what I'd decided the last time (which is, if he continued to use then I'd leave).

The former seems more honorable- but the latter seems to be the wiser of the two.

At this point, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll have to wait out his detox and see what he plans to do from there. In the meantime, I have my ducks in a row if I need to leave. I hope it doesn't come to that- but if it does, I hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later.

The Game is On

We're now a few days into 2004. Here's what's going on:

First, the Man gave me a huge sparkley ring with a bunch of diamonds on it on Christmas Eve. I keep taking it on and off. We've agreed to not even consider taking any additional steps until Dec 2004, thankfully. I had seriously, gravely underestimated the happiness this ring would bring to my parents and the Man's family- its clear to me that if we are going to get married, it won't be a simple trip to the courthouse, as we'd planned. I can't do that to my family.

So, if we're not going to get married before the Man starts treatment, the major "pro" on my reasoning list is removed. There are still a few items on that side of the list, including "future building" and "kids". However, we can build our future together without getting married, and I see no reason to get married until we actually have kids.

If I had any doubts on whether or not I really did want to get married, they have cleared up: I don't. I feel awful about everything. I feel like I set the Man up. He does want to get married. People are already giving us engagement presents. This is insane.

The Man said that it was okay if we stayed engaged for a decade, forever, it didn't matter: "You can't force someone to love you, to want to marry you."

This is wrong on two counts. First, if a person really does want to get married, then s/he is not going to be happy in a relationship where marriage is not an option. It's not a fair situation. No one worth their salt would tell an unhappily single girlfriend to stick it out with a man who clearly doesn't ever want to get married, and surely the same applies here. Second, it mistakes love for wanting to get married. I will happily commit to the Man in a ceremony of our own making. I just don't want to become a "wife" or a "Mrs." I pointed out to the Man that getting married changes very little for him; everything changes for me. Now clearly that is an exaggeration, but only somewhat. His name doesn't change, his identity doesn't change.

However, basically my argument boils down to a very strong negative gut feeling towards getting married, and a battle over semantics. No matter what, I create my own identity, and the reasonable side of me knows this. I can stick to "Ms" if I want, and I can keep my name. However, I can't get around this extremely strong almost hatred I have towards the idea of getting married.

However again, clearly there is some ambivalence. After all, I did say "yes." Worse, we have spent several months now talking about whether or not we should get married, and in a cold analysis I agreed that it would be to our benefit to do so.

Mainly, if there were no ambivalence, I would just change my mind and say no. I haven't gotten there yet, either. I have removed the ring several times, and frequently switch it from my left to right hand, then back again. But the Man gave me this ring as a contract, not as decoration, so I don't do this often and never in his sight. I only feel marginally better with the ring off. I don't want to throw away this relationship, either.

Either way, a line has been crossed. To take the ring off and state my intention to remain unmarried will hurt the Man emotionally and will also hurt his pride, as it will be announced to family and friends after the intent to get married was already made. It will also make me look unstable, but at this point that's a truism, actually. I certainly feel miserable and fluctuating and unstable, nauseous and tearful. Unless I can get my head and heart around it, to continue on with plans to get married is to continue this fucking awful state of depression and neuroticism, unbalanced.

While the Man helpfully states that it's okay if we don't get married, that we can stay engaged permanently, I don't think that this will actually play out. He's said it, and you can see it, that he really does want to be married. It's a state that he wants to experience. This is the norm, and I wouldn't want him to not have that experience if he wants it, even if it can't be with me. I don't exactly want him to have it with someone else, either.

So the first challenge then is to determine whether it's better to honor this gut feeling of mine, or to identify it as something that is getting in my way and work to dismantle it.

Maybe I need to read up on Erik Erickson. I'm surprised that it hasn't occurred to me earlier, but this certainly feels like I'm in the middle of his "intimacy" crisis, although I'm a few years behind. All I really know is that if this ambivalent state lasts much longer, bad things will occur. I'm crying every day and ready to vomit most of the time, in a nasty state of depression and anxiety. I am not usually like this at all. Also, there are periods when I forget it and get back to my usual pleased, contented self, then remember and swing back into sadness. Hence the unbalanced sense.

The only positive coming out of this is that my instinct is to move towards the Man. As noted earlier, we've agreed to not make any plans at all for a year. We will go through treatment and some time afterwards, so he can recover from treatment. We'll talk again about getting married in December 2004, earlier if treatment makes it necessary. I'll have to come to a decision long before Dec 2004, but will then have a long time to adjust myself. If I can't get my head and heart around getting married, then we'll have had a long cooling off period before telling everyone that we're not getting married after all. If I do come to some peace about getting married, then we'll have a period of relative quiet to enjoy before entering into the insanity of planning to get married. (Ick. If we do it at all, I'm leaving it up to my mom and his mom).

It should be noted that I'm figuring this out as I'm writing it. This is my way to peace. The Man might need something else. I've kept my ambivalence mostly to myself, but not all of it, as it's important to both of us. He might prefer resolution differently, although he appears to be settled on the outcome. He pointed out that I did something similar before agreeing to move in with him, and we both agree that it was the best decision. He thinks that we should just get married, and that after it's over with I'll come to the same agreement with him that it was the best decision. I don't know that moving in together and getting married are on the same level of importance, although technically you can get out of both arrangements. He strongly feels that my negative emotions are in part generated by the intense attention and questioning on the part of everyone else. He's pretty overwhelmed by it, also. Although, part of what brought us together was that neither one of us wanted to get married, and so we didn't feel pressure from the other regarding the direction of our relationship.

As with everything, I guess we'll see. If it was just me and the Man, things would be okay. Sometimes I wish I were normal like everyone else, who wants to get married and are happy about such things. Hm. To thine own self be true, eh?

Auld Lang Syne Blogging

Happy New Year! 2004- may we all find happiness and more within its days.

As usual, I have a few resolutions. Last year my main resolution was to try to be more professional and female-ish in my dress and appearance. Happily, life changed to accomodate those resolutions, though not until mid-way through the year. I had to dress more professionally at Hopkins (as opposed to the jeans/sweaters/sneakers that comprised the dress code at my Towson job). I still failed miserably on the application of make-up, being a natural chick. I did cut my hair into bangs, which required many trips to the salon for cuts and eyebrow waxing. So I'm a little less of my All-Natural, long-hair going free kind of female now. But still true to myself- just growing differently- and who wants to be the same all the time?

This year, I want to focus on inner changes.

Resolution #1: Write more. Blog at least once a week and journal at least 3 time a week. I journalled nearly every day for over a decade; it was good; would like to resume it. Blogging might overtake journaling, but I have to decide in which direction I want this blog to go. There are two main themes going into 2004: the idea of being married, and the disease for which The Man will receive treatment. Both are quite personal, and I'm uncertain on whether I want to publically blog in-depth on either of them. However, particularly on the Man's disease, I think it might be useful. Regardless, I'll be better able to deal with everything upcoming if I'm writing about it, either publically or privately. Resolution #1 is a priority.

Resolution #2: Learn to Meditate. This is also something I want to develop to build on inner strength and coping. I do believe we all have our own answers inside, and I think I'll be better served by looking inward, rather than outward at what others are doing. Plus, it would be useful just to learn to calm down. If I can manage to meditate at least once a week through June 2004, and perhaps twice a week from June through December, I'll consider this resolution accomplished.

There are other things that I'd like to accomplish, but don't consider resolutions. I want to continue to be healthy- eat well, drink lots of tea, drink little alcohol, and so forth. I want to continue to grow in my relationship with The Man, although our relationship is at a cross-roads at this time. I'm also looking forward to deciding in which direction my career will go. This will be quite a year!

I hope all is well with you! Enjoy your holiday, may your resolutions and wishes for the next year come true!