Marriage, Redux

Well, the topic's back on the table. We've talked about it lightly before, but its getting a bit more urgent now. It might actually happen. I brought it up, but I am feeling...unsettled...to say the least.

The most important thing, in my mind, is that anything could go medically wrong as the Man undergoes treatment, and if the worst case scenarios come true, I want to be sure that I am allowed in, that he's got an advocate (though his folks would be magnificant as advocates as well), that I get to be there.

However, it's unlikely that things will get that dire. More pragmatically, I have kick ass benefits, and he needs them. He needs some flexibility- so that he can work full-time or part-time, or not at all, depending on how things go, without worrying. I actually ache, thinking that I can offer that, but that we've both been hesitant to consider it.

There are other advantages- we can work towards a simplified purchase of a house, we can start banking time so that after 2 years of med school we can start the adoption process (a few of the agencies I've looked into require that a couple be married for at least 3 years), taxes etc.

However, there are also HUGE disadvantages, including- hell, especially!- that it means actually getting married. (My seester is smiling at this, I know it!).

There will be arguments: if this happens at all, I'd rather it be at a courthouse with very little fanfare. I don't want to change my name. I don't particularly want to wear a ring. In fact, I'd want as little to change as possible. God help the person who refers to me as "Mrs. Man."

I don't really want to be married- but I do want the benefits that go along with it.

I've always wanted a Susan Sarandon-Tim Robbins kind of relationship. They are clearly partners, seem to have a fantastic relationship, kids and all, but no vows, no promises, no "trap", nothing like that. Marriage for me is a Dumbo's feather, an illusion, a few words are said and Abra-Cadabra, things have changed. I don't want a promise that someone will stay with me til the end of his days- I would lose respect for someone who would stick around in clearly unbefitting circumstances. And in those circumstances, most people quite rightly leave- regardless of being married or not. In those instances, the promise was empty, even though the act of leaving was right. In other cases, people leave marriages even without good reason. Getting married requires just a few words- I am much more interested in the acts. I don't want the promise and the ring which makes it "binding"- I want the relationship to be free to grow as it will, freely. I know there are people who feel that you can't truly grow in a relationship without marriage, because until then you don't know whether the person will leave. I say, even married, you don't know whether the person will leave. At least, you don't know it any more or less than if you're in a decent, solid, relationship and willingly unmarried.

I'm not trying to judge anyone- it's just the way I see it. I don't want to make a promise that, to me, has a faulty premise. It's an ill-fitting coat, for me.

So The Man and I are about to have another conversation about it. These are very difficult talks. It's hard, because it's easy to be misunderstood. At first, the Man was offended because I "want to marry [him] out of circumstance." He feels that marrying for benefits is a very bad reason reason. I think it's the best reason. I suggested that we get married for the duration of his illness plus a year or two, to make sure it's gone, then possibly get unmarried- as long as I get to keep him. He didn't like that, either. He doesn't want to get divorced.

Basically, he has respect for the institution of marriage. I still have a little, because this whole idea makes me nervous. I don't want to make a joke out of it, yet that's usually how I feel about it. And if I were to marry anyone in this lifetime, it would be him.

Clearly, anyone reading this would have the simple answer, which is just to not get married. Yet I see what a hard time he's having, and how he's strung up by the need for benefits. We're paying COBRA now, waiting for the benefits at his new job to kick in. As it stands now, he will have to work throughout his treatment to keep his benefits. If he stops working due to illness, we will be in serious trouble. Even during his long Summer of Unemployment, he was able to pick up odd jobs here and there, and bartend, to take care of COBRA. If he can't work during treatment, it's an ugly scene.

He's keenly aware of all this. He hates his shitty job. We both hate the fact that we never see each other, as he gets home in the early AM hours, long after I'm asleep, and I leave long before he's awake. My Man is extremely stressed, and awfully down.

The answer stands before me: do the deed. Just do it. Fuck it. He'll be able to get treatment without worrying about work. If he loses his job, it won't matter terribly (e.g., the work bennies are much less than COBRA!). He won't have to stress about it. That's the most important: he can work on getting better, and leave the worries about employment elsewhere. It would free him up beyond treatment as well, where he could work on forging a new career.

And it will ease my mind regarding hospitalization. I don't know why I perseverate on this so much, but I do.

But it will be somewhat fraudulent. And I don't know how I'll handle it. As I said, it's an ill-fitting coat.

Well, I might offend him so much in our conversation that he decides it's not worth it, and won't want to get married. I haven't mentioned yet that I would want to keep my last name. He was sort of unsettled by the fact that I'd prefer to just go to a courthouse and sign a piece of paper. I'm really embarassed by the whole idea of getting married, and then I'm embarassed for being embarassed. I don't know what's wrong with me that I feel this way, but there you have it. The idea of being a bride is just ludicrous. It is not meant to happen to me. Even as a little girl, I never dreampt about a dress or a wedding- I did have a few nightmares when I was in my young 20s about being married and being panicked. Ugh.

Still, despite my protests and thinking aloud, I would do this. Quietly, and with as little notice as possible. I think it's in both our best interests, even if not for the usual reasons. I am sure I can at least stick it out for a year or two-- I want very much to be with The Man. However, I might need to get out of the coat after a while. It just isn't me.

Given my strong feelings about this, and his basic respect for marriage, it's quite possible that he'll decide against it. This still won't solve the problem of the sick Man needing benefits, but it would allow both of us to be true to ourselves. If we get married, then he is okay but I feel fraudulent. He might feel fraudulent knowing that I don't honor the marriage, even if I do love and honor him. If we don't get married, then I keep my integrity, but he loses out regarding his illness. His health trumps this easily. I guess we'll just have to work it out.

Ages & Ages

Been really, really, really busy. Lots going on.

The job: really amazing. We are about to submit the grant we've been working on for ages. If we get it, then I will stay at Hopkins, get my PhD, and partner with the Neuropsychiatrist (from here on known as NP) as we attempt to forge a career as brain researchers.

If we don't get it, then the NP heads out to private practice, which won't require 14-18 hours days so that she can also be a Mom. I will head off for a year of Pre-Med and will pursue an MD.

Either way leads to a lovely, exciting, engaging future. I'm working on my Hopkins and Goucher Pre-Med applications now- but I really hope we get the grant, and just go on from here.

The Man: is hanging in there, but having a very difficult time. Everything for him is shaky right now. His job situation is rough. He hated the first job he took, and quit. He's in a new job now, it's not as bad, but the pay isn't great and the hours are awful. He's been there for three weeks- we rarely get to see each other. He knows he wants to start a new career, but doesn't know what. He needs good insurance- his Doc has said he needs to start treatment in January. We've put off treatment for a while now, and that in and of itself is stressful. I guess it's good that his Dr. is okay with postponing it a little while longer.

Still, he's really hanging in there and working with what he's got. We continue to pull together, and we've grown even closer, which is wonderful. However, it's made his new hours even harder to tolerate. I am really amazed by him, and I'm quite proud of him, even if things haven't gone smoothly. In the last year, he's totally changed his life- not without a lot of bumps, and a major fuckup here and there- but he's kept his overall focus and continues to move on. He's not bitter or angry, but he is frequently sad. Even this, he's addressed. I've always loved his honesty, and his willingness to state even the most uncomfortable truths. It's been a critical trait lately- he says whatever his truth is. It's been a rough time- but we will get through it together.